Compromise by Rocio Solaire Roca
The definition of compromise according to Brittanica
1 compromise
/ˈkɑːmprəˌmaɪz/
noun
plural compromises
1
: a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that
was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute
Some say communication is the most important thing in a relationship but based on my
own experiences I differ.
Because You can communicate all you like. You can communicate until you drop dead
but if the other side is not able to compromise, the relationship will not work.
That is why I believe that compromise is key in any relationship whether it’s work,
romantic, family or friendships.
I believe that in order to compromise, we must be willing to accept that if we want a
relationship to work, that means that we have to recognize that we are part of the same
team. In a sports team, all the teammates gather and develop a strategy and they work
together to accomplish the same goal-Victory. In all our relationships, there is no
winning side during our debates. When the Yankees win the world series, the whole
team wins. Nobody loses. The same truth lies with relationships.
There’s no winning or losing an argument. The only solution is to come together and
meet each other halfway. That means that we will not get our way each time. So how do
we accomplish this and become more successful in all our relationships?
Positive reinforcement
One thing I have learned as a “boss” is that when I review my team members I Start
with positive reinforcement. I give them a rundown of everything they are doing right
before I get to the evaluation of their performance. We can apply the same to a LOVE
relationship or with a child. Let’s explore many ways we can substitute negativity with
positive reinforcements:
Relationship/Com
plain
| Relationship/Complain | Negative | Positive | Compromise |
| Spouse/QualityTime | You are neverhome. Your kidsbarely know you.I’m raising thesekids alone. | “I appreciate allthat you do for thisfamily and theamazing life youhave given us”. | Can we talk aboutpicking one day perweek so you can behome in time fordinner? |
| Employee is late | Your tardiness isunacceptable andwill not betolerated anymore | “I love how youtreat our customersand how youalways pick up thephone on the firstring”. | The phones startringing at 9am andI notice you havenot been here ontime. How can wefix this issue? |
| Child-Poor grades | School is your onlyresponsibility andyou can’t even getthis right? Nophone for the week! | “You had an A inMath and Englishlast semester. Goodjob buddy” | I notice your gradesare down thismonth and I thinkit’s due to yougoing to sleep pastyour bedtime. Ithink you shouldbe in bed by 10PM? |
| Friend-Critics | Why don’t you stoppicking on me andGo look at whatyour kids and yourhusband are up tofor a change! | “We have beenthrough everythingtogether and youare the one person Ican always counton. Thank you” | You have beenbringing up XYZlately. I’m notperfect but itdoesnt feel nice.Can we talk aboutthis? |
It is in our nature to react well to positive reinforcements. If someone compliments you,
you reply with a smile and a thank you. When someone attacks you physically or
emotionally, it is a natural human emotion to defend yourself. So doesn’t it make sense
that we apply this same concept to the people that matter to us the most? Why is it that
it is the same people we claim to love that we end up hurting the most?
I promise you that applying this theory of giving positive reinforcement before you
expose your feelings towards someone, will improve all of your relationships. But how
do we succeed at this? By not allowing ourselves to react in the heat of the moment.
I lived most of my life as an automatic pilot. If you believe in astrology, I am an Aries
and it is said that the downfall of an Aries is our impulsive nature. It was through
therapy and practicing spirituality that I learned to control my anger. Once, I
reprogrammed myself to not react in the heat of the moment, my life shifted in
unimaginable ways.
Pause, What a Pleasure
In Kabbalah, we use the term “Pause, what a Pleasure” to minimize our reactive nature.
The theory behind this is of a spiritual sort but I will give you the simple and
non-spiritual reasoning behind this practice. How many times has someone said or
done something silly or mean to you and as the days go by, your feelings of annoyance
and anger shrink smaller and smaller? By the time the third day comes, you barely
remember what happened. Sometimes you try to reenact the moment by relating the
story to someone else, and you can’t even remember the details. Because it wasn’t that
serious to begin with! So, when the kabbalists say “Pause, What a pleasure” what they
are saying is, not only should you not react to “it” (the issue, insult, annoyance) you
should ignore it and also say thank you to it. Because when you practice this, within a
couple of days, you learn that it wasnt even that serious to begin with and getting angry
and confrontational was not worth it. If it’s a real issue that needs to be addressed, then
it should be addressed when you’re no longer in your feelings. This way you can calmly
expose your side like the sample chart we discussed above. The second part, “What a
pleasure” is because there is the belief that everything that happens to us, happens “for
us”. Meaning, everything happens to challenge us and to shape us into the individuals
we are supposed to become.
When you are faced with anger, remember diamonds are made under pressure and
don’t forget to “Pause, what a pleasure”.
With Love, Solaire Love
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