Demisexual by Rocio Solaire Roca 

Until a couple of months ago, I wasn’t aware there was a word to further describe my sexual orientation other than identifying as heterosexual. Until I came across the term- Demisexual. 

I am a Demisexual by all accounts. 

To explore this new term I had no knowledge on, I revisited my sexual history. My first sexual experience was at the age of 15. He wasn’t only the first man I ever had sex with, he was also the first man I ever kissed. I started dating him in secret because he was seven years older than me and I knew my parents would not approve. As time went by, I remember going with him to his place and “trying” to have intercourse but at the last minute I would freak out and back out. Part of me wanted it but another part of me felt fear. The fear about sex that my family and my culture instills exclusively on women. At the time, I was still part of the generation and a culture which placed huge emphasis on female virginity and a woman’s worth was linked to her hymen rather than her qualities. Eventually, my mom welcomed my then boyfriend into the family and we dated for about seven months before we had intercourse for the first time. But by that time, we were both madly in love. Because we were both young, immature and inexperienced, my first relationship ended roughly about four years in. But not before procreating two kids. 

From the time I left the father of my children (at age 18)  up until now (at 46), I have had several long term relationships and a failed marriage. But whether my relationships last two, six or ten years, I continue to recycle the same sexual pattern- I am not able to experience sexual attraction unless I form an emotional bond with a man first. 

After revisiting my sexual past, I decided to go to my therapist to discuss this topic further and found several other triggers behind my newly discovered sexual identity: 

• Culture- the Latino culture tends to be extremely traditional and still subscribes to the misogynistic ideal of female virginity 
• Upbringing- my parents were overprotective and inflicted sexual fear and Shame. I was brought up feeling shame for having sexual desires and was not allowed to be around boys 
• Catholic school- I went to Catholic Schools most of my life and according to Catholicism, sex outside marriage is a terrible sin. According to Catholicism even masturbation is a sin. So I grew up associating any and every sexual act with sin
• Society’s Double standard- a man is encouraged to sleep around. A woman is condemned for doing the same 
• My first sexual experience defined my future ones. My first boyfriend was romantic and extremely passionate. He bought me flowers and dedicated poems and serenaded me
• My inability to orgasm. To date, it is impossible for me to orgasm by penetration alone. Even with direct stimulation, I have a difficult time climaxing. My therapist explains that the reason for this is that  I still have unhealed trauma related to the association with sin and sex
• Spirituality-When we have sex, other than exchanging bodily fluids we are also exchanging spiritual energies. Sex is so powerful that a human being is formed through intecourse. Keeping this in mind, why would I want to share this special moment with a random person?

For all these reasons, it is impossible for me to experience casual sex or be able to enjoy any physical contact with a man unless I create an emotional bond first. I think that it’s not until I am used to this man and not until he makes me feel “safe” that I am able to finally move on to third base. 

In a generation where everyone seems to be rushing into everything and the terms “booty call”, “friends with benefit”and one night stands are used so lightly to designate no strings attached sexual partners, my type is nearly extinct and because of this, I am often labeled as “high maintenance”. This has proven particularly challenging in recent times. 

I am a hopeless romantic and I will always believe in Love. I believe in the kind of LOVE that can take the sexual act to the next level where two become one MindBodySoul. I am a Demisexual…

With Love, Solaire Love ❤️